Is there a wrong way to put baby to bed?
Yes, yes there is:
I bring this up because how a parent chooses to put their baby to bed is a hotly debated topic and it can draw some serious divisions between people.
So far in my experience there are generally two camps:
Parents who choose to "sleep train" and parents who don't.
Sleep training usually involves some form of letting your baby cry in order to teach the baby to soothe themself and sleep without having to be rocked/held/bounced/walked/driven around the neighborhood/hung upside-down, etc.
Parents who choose not to sleep train will likely either spend countless hours putting their baby to sleep in their own room/crib/bassinet, or they might bed-share.
Babies who are naturally good sleepers generally wouldn't need any sort of sleep training.
Now, the problem with parents who sleep train, more specifically parents who let their babies cry it out (CIO), and parents who choose not to do any of the above, is that these choices become polarizing. You end up being on one side or the other, and each side is convinced that their way is the right way.
Of course, not every person feels the need to take sides or judge the other- but many do and frankly, it pisses me off.
Personally, at this point in time, I choose not to do any sleep training. That is my personal choice, that is the way I choose to parent. I also know that I may reach a breaking point in the future (because I'm fairly sure my baby is trying to break me) and I might need to re-evaluate my parenting strategy. But right now, while I'm on maternity leave with no other commitments other than my darling boy, I choose not to sleep train, not to CIO, and more often than not we choose to bed-share.
There have been studies that have shown that letting your baby CIO can cause negative long-term effects. Basically, studies have found that when babies are in distress the cortisol hormone floods their system, and even after they have calmed down and are sleeping their cortisol levels will still be high. These high levels of cortisol are said to damage a baby's developing neurons and your child may show certain deficits as they get older. Along with the physical repercussions, people against CIO will also tell you that you will essentially destroy the relationship of trust that you work all day to build with your baby; your baby will not learn to self-soothe, it will only learn that you won't respond to it at night and so it will just give up; your baby will learn to shut down in the face of distress and will not thrive, or be able to handle stress as an adult. There's more, but you get the picture- if you let your baby CIO you will essentially break your baby.
As someone who does not choose to take this route, do I believe all these claims? Yes and no. Do I believe there may be long term effects on my baby? Possibly. Do I believe that babies who are left to CIO only learn that their parents won't respond to them at night so they give up trying? Yes. Do I believe you will destroy any trust your baby has in you? No.
Obviously I believe that CIO has negative effects, otherwise I would have done it by now. But what I believe even more about CIO is that sometimes, for the sanity of the parent, it is necessary. And that even if there are negative effects to CIO, a parent is not going to ruin their child forever because of it. Their baby will still thrive. Their baby will still know that they love him. Their baby will still trust them. Their baby will grow up and one day learn to cope with stress. I believe all this because, considering that the CIO method is said to have been around since the 1800s, I'm pretty sure that there are a fair amount of people in this world who had to CIO as a baby. And they likely turned out to be decent people. Yes, we have a lot of screwed up people in this world, but I don't think we can trace society's problems back to CIO. And given how my parents raised me and what I know to be true of their level of tolerance for children's shenanigans and the fact that they were just teenagers when they had me, I would bet my paycheck that at some point in time I was left to CIO as well. And I think I turned out mostly good.
But the people in the CIO camp are just as bad. They believe that if you don't sleep train your baby, that your baby will never learn to soothe itself. Your baby will be too dependent on you, even as they grow older. You will never have your life back. You can kiss your sex life goodbye. You're doing a disservice to your baby because babies grow and develop while they sleep.
Do I believe any of that? No. I believe everyone eventually learns how to fall asleep. I know my baby is thriving and developing- I can tell because he's getting bigger and hitting his milestones, so obviously he's getting the sleep he needs. I will have my life back one day, and besides- I chose this life and I don't get to turn off my parenting switch at night. My baby is already gaining independence- I see it every day as he spends time playing by himself, and at nap time when I can put him down before he's completely asleep and he falls asleep on his own.
Anyway, I can go over my reasons for choosing not to sleep train at this point in another post.
The real reason I'm writing this post is because I'm just so sick of the attitude of some of the people who are on either side of the fence.
Often there is a bit of hostility or defensiveness with parents
who have chosen to let their child CIO. I get it, they're tired of
defending their choice just like I'm tired of defending mine. They say
things sarcastically like "I'm the mean mom who lets their baby cry" or
"I can tell I'm harming my baby because she wakes up happy", and on and
on. And then always the, "But I get to sleep 12 hours every night" said
in the 'so I don't give a fuck' tone. It feels so high and mighty, as if they have unlocked all the secrets to a blissful parent-baby relationship, and that we mere mortals who choose a different way should be looked down upon with pity.
But the other side is just as bad. I've heard countless times from people who choose not to sleep train that they know they sound judgmental when talking to other moms.
Why though? Why do we have to judge each other for this at all? It's a parenting choice, and we all have the right to make our own parenting choices.
Sitting up with your sleepless baby, rocking, walking, nursing for hours is hard. It's hard when you're exhausted, which is all the time because you don't get enough sleep. But guess what?
Sleep training and hearing your baby CIO is also hard! I don't know from experience, but I've heard from those who have done it that it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do. And I believe it, because that is also one of the reasons why I haven't done it.
They are both hard. They both have their disadvantages. They both have their advantages. Neither way is going to ruin your child or make your child into the best, most well-adjusted child that ever was.
So that's it, my long rant. What bugs me most about the CIO v.s. no CIO debate isn't that I think one is right and other is wrong. What bugs me is that it puts a wall between us parents, especially us mothers. There is no right or wrong, unless of course you're shoving your baby in a drawer at night as per the above illustration.
What we need is support for each other, regardless of our decisions. We might have strong feelings about ways to raise our children, but (barring any physical, mental or emotional abuse) it's never our place to impose those feelings on others and judge others' choices. That's why we have our own children- so we can raise them any damn way we want.
And really, what does it matter? If we don't screw them up this way, surely we will find other ways in their lifetimes to scar them forever.
(Just a disclaimer- when I talk about CIO, I'm not talking about simply letting your baby cry for extended periods of time without checking in or making sure basic needs are met. There are many sleep training methods that use various degrees of letting your baby cry, in a structured way, with parents present to make sure all needs are met first and to continually reassure the baby during the process. I will blatantly say that to leave your baby to cry with no plan, structure or periods of checking-in to make sure everything is okay is just plain cruelty.)
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