Sleep Struggles

The past 6 months with my darling son has been, among other things, a roller coaster of sleep patterns. And more often than not this roller coaster has made me sick with sleep deprivation.

From the start he ate every two hours around the clock, with a few 5+ hour sessions of cluster feeding thrown in once in a while for good measure. Just before 3 months he started falling into a more predictable sleep pattern, and although he was still a frequent waker/nurser, he started giving me the odd 4 or 5 hour stretch of sleep. Then around 4 months that first stretch of sleep became a safe bet, and sometimes I'd even get 6 hours out of him. I even started wondering if that dreaded 4 month sleep regression I had heard about would somehow skip us?

Then as we approached 5 months it all fell back to shit. He had never been one to go to bed "for the night" at a decent time, always staying up past 11 pm and sometimes as late as midnight. But at 5 months, that 11 pm became 12:45 am, and then 1:30...and oh. my. GAWD, sometimes 2:00 IN THE MORNING. And he'd still be up every few hours after that to eat.

He used to sleep in until 10 or 11 am, to compensate for his stupidly late bedtime. Then that shifted and he began to wake up between 8:30 and 9 am. I became prematurely excited at that point, thinking that the time had come where he would start going to bed earlier and our sleep troubles would begin to disappear. Well, I was sadly mistaken. One thing did improve, in that he would start to get tired around 9 pm. But he wouldn't sleep, and if he did it was a short nap. Just enough to refresh him so he could continue to party into the night.

We are now at the point where things have calmed down again, and the pattern is more predictable. Except it's just as terrible as it was when he was a newborn. I can still get him to bed by 9 pm. Except he will without fail wake up between 45 minutes to an hour later. And then he may or may not go back to sleep. If he does go back to sleep, he needs rocking and soothing to get him there and he needs it multiple times before he is truly back to sleep again. If we can't get him to go back to dreamland, he stays up for a couple more hours, often past midnight. And then he's up every three hours, almost to the minute, to eat.

I've been pretty stubborn, trying to avoid any sort of crying it out and attempting to just ride these waves. My hope is that he will regulate his own sleep eventually. And although sometimes I feel like I have a better chance of seeing a Yeti ride a Unicorn across a double rainbow, I still hold on to this belief because he's done it before with his nap schedule. That's right. He never used to nap on a schedule, or for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Well folks, I'm proud to say that my little man figured it out at some point and now naps three times a day, for 30 minutes minimum rather than maximum. So I still believe the rest of this sleep stuff will eventually work itself out.

However, I feel that now we are at a point in this road where if I don't step in and do something, sleep habits will be ingrained in him that we may never be able to undo. I'm talking about the type of sleep problems that will keep him living at home FOREVER because he will simply be unable to stay asleep without a lengthy nightly ritual involving rocking, shushing and bum patting for the rest of his life.

So I have narrowed down the things I feel he needs help with, and I'm ready to start with a plan to help him sleep better. So far we have moved him into his own room, which is going well because he's no longer in our bed treating me like the nightly special at an all you can eat buffet. But it's not helping with the frequent wake-ups.

Problem #1 is the habitual waking after an hour of being put down for the night.
Problem #2 is the frequent waking throughout the night, at which he expects to be fed.

Goal #1 is to stop the habitual waking after an hour.
Goal #2 is to at least get back to the 4 or 5 hour stretches of sleep, and to wean down to 1 or 2 night feedings max. 

Problem #1 is the easier one to tackle, because I can do it on my own or with minimal assistance from my husband. Problem #2 is harder, because it requires him to get up in the night to help soothe the little man. So this is basically reserved only for weekends when my husband doesn't have to be up at ungodly hours in the morning so that he can go in to work early in an attempt to get home with enough time to spend with us. Weekends aren't long enough to make any sort of lasting impression, so we're waiting for holidays in order to really put in the time and commitment we'll need.

So on to Problem #1. My plan is to try the "wake to sleep" method, which you can read more about here (and various other places on the internet, but that was my main source of information). Basically, the theory is that if you have a habitual waker like mine, who wakes every hour or so for no reason other than habit, chances are the baby is having trouble transitioning from one sleep cycle to the next. As adults, we wake up multiple times in the night, but we have the ability to fall right back asleep. We might switch positions, fix our pillow, pull up our blankets, but in the morning we will hardly remember waking at all. Unfortunately babies can't always go from one sleep cycle to the next as easily, and need help with the transition.

The "wake to sleep" method instructs you to go to your baby before their habitual wake-up time, and do something to slightly rouse them from their sleep. You don't want to go in and wake them up so that they're alert, you only want to wake them just enough so that they can easily settle back down, and you essentially reset their sleep cycle. So, maybe you go in and fix their blankets, reposition them, or even change their diaper. Basically, that depends on your baby and how heavy they sleep (when they're actually sleeping). Then, you stay with them until you're sure they're back asleep. The thought is that by consistently doing this at the same time every night, you are breaking them of their habit of waking up at their habitual time, and helping them transition into a new sleep cycle. That's just my understanding and quick explanation- don't take my word as gospel and attempt any sort of sleep using only my advice.

"Wake to sleep" is part one of my plan. The other part is that I'm also going to refrain from picking him up when he wakes and needs my help to resettle. My little man does know how to soothe himself. I see him do it for almost every nap, every day. For some reason night times are more difficult for him, and he doesn't put his mad skillz to use. We've been picking him up and rocking him back to sleep at night when he wakes up, and I think we're helping to give him bad sleep habits because it seems he's starting to depend on us for this. So my new plan is to go in, reposition him and make him comfy again, and then only pat his back and shush him instead of picking him up. Unless of course it's obvious that he needs a little more contact, like if he's in some sort of pain or discomfort.

Tonight was the first night of my plan. I went in to try "waking him to sleep", by adjusting his blanket and rubbing his back. He stirred and repositioned himself, and I stayed with my hand on his back until I heard his little sigh, and his breathing became deeper again. Unfortunately he woke up about 10 minutes later, but I went in and soothed him back to sleep without picking him up. Although I had to go in there two more times after that, I'm still feeling good because I've heard him stir a few more times but I haven't had to go in. And we haven't had any tears, so that makes me happy.

Wish me luck! This could be a long week...

The Great Sleep Debate...and Why It Pisses Me Off

Is there a wrong way to put baby to bed? 

Yes, yes there is:

I bring this up because how a parent chooses to put their baby to bed is a hotly debated topic and it can draw some serious divisions between people.

So far in my experience there are generally two camps: 

Parents who choose to "sleep train" and parents who don't. 

Sleep training usually involves some form of letting your baby cry in order to teach the baby to soothe themself and sleep without having to be rocked/held/bounced/walked/driven around the neighborhood/hung upside-down, etc.

Parents who choose not to sleep train will likely either spend countless hours putting their baby to sleep in their own room/crib/bassinet, or they might bed-share. 

Babies who are naturally good sleepers generally wouldn't need any sort of sleep training.

Now, the problem with parents who sleep train, more specifically parents who let their babies cry it out (CIO), and parents who choose not to do any of the above, is that these choices become polarizing. You end up being on one side or the other, and each side is convinced that their way is the right way.

Of course, not every person feels the need to take sides or judge the other- but many do and frankly, it pisses me off.

Personally, at this point in time, I choose not to do any sleep training. That is my personal choice, that is the way I choose to parent. I also know that I may reach a breaking point in the future (because I'm fairly sure my baby is trying to break me) and I might need to re-evaluate my parenting strategy. But right now, while I'm on maternity leave with no other commitments other than my darling boy, I choose not to sleep train, not to CIO, and more often than not we choose to bed-share. 

There have been studies that have shown that letting your baby CIO can cause negative long-term effects. Basically, studies have found that when babies are in distress the cortisol hormone floods their system, and even after they have calmed down and are sleeping their cortisol levels will still be high. These high levels of cortisol are said to damage a baby's developing neurons and your child may show certain deficits as they get older. Along with the physical repercussions, people against CIO will also tell you that you will essentially destroy the relationship of trust that you work all day to build with your baby; your baby will not learn to self-soothe, it will only learn that you won't respond to it at night and so it will just give up; your baby will learn to shut down in the face of distress and will not thrive, or be able to handle stress as an adult. There's more, but you get the picture- if you let your baby CIO you will essentially break your baby.

As someone who does not choose to take this route, do I believe all these claims? Yes and no. Do I believe there may be long term effects on my baby? Possibly. Do I believe that babies who are left to CIO only learn that their parents won't respond to them at night so they give up trying? Yes. Do I believe you will destroy any trust your baby has in you? No. 

Obviously I believe that CIO has negative effects, otherwise I would have done it by now. But what I believe even more about CIO is that sometimes, for the sanity of the parent, it is necessary. And that even if there are negative effects to CIO, a parent is not going to ruin their child forever because of it. Their baby will still thrive. Their baby will still know that they love him. Their baby will still trust them. Their baby will grow up and one day learn to cope with stress. I believe all this because, considering that the CIO method is said to have been around since the 1800s, I'm pretty sure that there are a fair amount of people in this world who had to CIO as a baby. And they likely turned out to be decent people. Yes, we have a lot of screwed up people in this world, but I don't think we can trace society's problems back to CIO. And given how my parents raised me and what I know to be true of their level of tolerance for children's shenanigans and the fact that they were just teenagers when they had me, I would bet my paycheck that at some point in time I was left to CIO as well. And I think I turned out mostly good.

But the people in the CIO camp are just as bad. They believe that if you don't sleep train your baby, that your baby will never learn to soothe itself. Your baby will be too dependent on you, even as they grow older. You will never have your life back. You can kiss your sex life goodbye. You're doing a disservice to your baby because babies grow and develop while they sleep.

Do I believe any of that? No. I believe everyone eventually learns how to fall asleep. I know my baby is thriving and developing- I can tell because he's getting bigger and hitting his milestones, so obviously he's getting the sleep he needs. I will have my life back one day, and besides- I chose this life and I don't get to turn off my parenting switch at night. My baby is already gaining independence- I see it every day as he spends time playing by himself, and at nap time when I can put him down before he's completely asleep and he falls asleep on his own.

Anyway, I can go over my reasons for choosing not to sleep train at this point in another post. 

The real reason I'm writing this post is because I'm just so sick of the attitude of some of the people who are on either side of the fence.

Often there is a bit of hostility or defensiveness with parents who have chosen to let their child CIO. I get it, they're tired of defending their choice just like I'm tired of defending mine. They say things sarcastically like "I'm the mean mom who lets their baby cry" or "I can tell I'm harming my baby because she wakes up happy", and on and on. And then always the, "But I get to sleep 12 hours every night" said in the 'so I don't give a fuck' tone. It feels so high and mighty, as if they have unlocked all the secrets to a blissful parent-baby relationship, and that we mere mortals who choose a different way should be looked down upon with pity.

But the other side is just as bad. I've heard countless times from people who choose not to sleep train that they know they sound judgmental when talking to other moms. 

Why though? Why do we have to judge each other for this at all? It's a parenting choice, and we all have the right to make our own parenting choices. 

Sitting up with your sleepless baby, rocking, walking, nursing for hours is hard. It's hard when you're exhausted, which is all the time because you don't get enough sleep. But guess what?

Sleep training and hearing your baby CIO is also hard! I don't know from experience, but I've heard from those who have done it that it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do. And I believe it, because that is also one of the reasons why I haven't done it. 

They are both hard. They both have their disadvantages. They both have their advantages. Neither way is going to ruin your child or make your child into the best, most well-adjusted child that ever was. 

So that's it, my long rant. What bugs me most about the CIO v.s. no CIO debate isn't that I think one is right and other is wrong. What bugs me is that it puts a wall between us parents, especially us mothers. There is no right or wrong, unless of course you're shoving your baby in a drawer at night as per the above illustration.

What we need is support for each other, regardless of our decisions. We might have strong feelings about ways to raise our children, but (barring any physical, mental or emotional abuse) it's never our place to impose those feelings on others and judge others' choices. That's why we have our own children- so we can raise them any damn way we want. 

And really, what does it matter? If we don't screw them up this way, surely we will find other ways in their lifetimes to scar them forever. 

(Just a disclaimer- when I talk about CIO, I'm not talking about simply letting your baby cry for extended periods of time without checking in or making sure basic needs are met. There are many sleep training methods that use various degrees of letting your baby cry, in a structured way, with parents present to make sure all needs are met first and to continually reassure the baby during the process. I will blatantly say that to leave your baby to cry with no plan, structure or periods of checking-in to make sure everything is okay is just plain cruelty.)